You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
