So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Randomize
