Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
His nipple licking is glorious
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