just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
