We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
