What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
