break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
