I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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