At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I don't deserve a penis
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
