I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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