Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
