bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
