If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
