Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
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