so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
