dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
