Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
