i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
