I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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