Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
