the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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