i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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