Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
