fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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