Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
