All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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