I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
