New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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