y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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