I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Randomize
