i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
its liver damage thursday
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
