This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
