i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
my liver is dry heaving
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
