i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
