My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
