I am puke
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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