I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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