If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
