i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
