can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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