At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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