He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
