the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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