I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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