I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
