Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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