Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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