Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
