on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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