So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
